Afraid To Love

“Chronic Benign Neutropenia.” That’s what Willow’s oncologist/hematologist is calling it. After months of head scratching… it’s nice to finally have a diagnosis… but I have to admit… I am going to miss calling it “crazy blood.”

So what does this mean? Good question. Right now… it means Willow will be getting injections of Neupogen twice a week. We were giving it to her daily… but a blood test last Friday showed that was WAAAAAYYYYY too much. In just one week her neutrophil level went from zero to 35,000!!!! Her white blood cell count was at 41.4!!! The normal range is 5.0-15.0!!! Yowsers! At least we know she’s healthy!

According to her doctor… this will be a life long battle. I’m not banking on that. I’ve seen God do amazing things through Willow. I am still in awe of how healthy she’s remained despite this whole ordeal. If we buy into the idea that miracles aren’t possible… can we truly call ourselves “believers?”

Speaking of believing… I’ve really felt challenged lately to surrender my fears to God. To believe that He has total control over everything… including the flu. Everywhere I turn… I find the flu. Facebook… the news… conversations with friends. They’re calling it an “epidemic.” Freak. Me. Out. Would you believe… I honestly considered keeping my older kids home from school for a few weeks until this whole flu thing quieted down? (I’m sure if my husband ever gets around to reading my blog he’ll laugh at this one. Yes honey… I’m really that crazy… and you’re married to me.) If I go out of the house… I carry hand wash… IN MY HAND! It’s scary!! So scary… I’ve actually cut back on my hugs and kisses. There was a period over Christmas break where I actually dodged my kid’s kisses!!! How sad is that??? I’ve grown afraid… of LOVE! Ish. Ish. Ish.

We are called to love one another. How disgusting that my fears are preventing me from fully embracing that call. I believe God has carried Willow through this whole neutropenia thing… and I have got to believe He’s going to continue to watch over her. Sure… sickness is going to come. It’s inevitable. But I have got to stop fearing it. I have got to stop fearing love. God is stronger than the flu. Oh so much stronger….

Ok… I gotta go wash my hands. Here’s some cuteness for ya…


5 thoughts on “Afraid To Love

  1. CUTENESS overload!! I’ll miss you if you bring in my sweetness. AZ here I come. Just for a few days! It’s human to be afraid. The DEVIL likes it that way. I’m petrified of getting the ‘flu’ as well…but door knobs, money, milk cartons….HOW DO YOU STOP LIVING? AND to give up control to God is also hard. I ENJOY being in control….hugs and kisses to Willow…and I love her hairdo 😉

    1. I like that it finally has a name.. although reading up on it.. I sometimes question if the diagnosis is accurate. I guess time will tell. 🙂 I’m still sticking with “crazy blood.”

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