This sentence is driving me crazy. Yes, the one you just read. It’s driving me bat bonkers. Why? Because it’s not perfect. No matter how many times I’ve written it and rewritten it, it’s still not perfect. I blame my former career in television news. As a producer, I learned that if you want to capture someones attention, you need a good lead in. Are you still with me?
If you haven’t figured out by now, I’m a perfectionist. A people pleasing perfectionist, in fact. You can call me “Triple P” for short. I’d like to say I’m in recovery, but it really depends on the day.
Today, I’m struggling. I find myself longing to be the perfect everything. The perfect writer, wife, mom, christian, baker…. fill in the blank. Obviously, I’m none of those (especially the baker part) and that has me down. Real down. I’ve been beating myself up about mistakes I’ve made, things I’ve said, stuff I haven’t gotten done, and the darn pumpkin bread I just over baked. If only I could be better. If only I could be perfect.
Here’s the kicker, I know I’ll never be perfect! Yet, I still want the title, or rather the image! What in Sam Hill is wrong with me? Don’t answer. The people pleasing part of me can’t bear the thought of what you might say.
It’s days like today that I question my worthiness as a mother, especially to my youngest, Willow. What am I teaching her? The answer makes me sick.
When Willow was born and the doctors told me she had Down syndrome, I didn’t care! She was perfect to me. She still is! But, no matter what I think, no matter what I do, the world will never see her like I do. They will never see my daughter as perfect. That kills me.
I want to teach my kids that the only opinions that matter are theirs and God’s, but how can I do that living as a Triple P?
I just can’t.
It’s days like today that I have to trust that God knows what He’s doing. I have to trust that I’m Willow’s mom for a reason. I have to trust that I can change.
Willow is a reminder to quit looking outward and instead look inward and upward. She is a reminder that even though the world may see us as imperfect, we are perfect in the eyes of our maker. Willow is a reminder that seeking perfection will only lead to disappointment, anxiety and guilt, but seeking the One Who Is Perfect will bring contentment and peace.
At the moment, I might not feel qualified to be Willow’s mother, but I sure am grateful she’s mine. She and her brother and sister are what keep me going on these far from perfect days.
Now, excuse me while I go shave the burnt parts off my pumpkin bread….