The Pain of Growing Older

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

40!

40, who?

This isn’t a joke, people. I’m about to turn 40! Like, in a few weeks!

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Ahhh… to be in my 20’s again.

Somebody pass the chocolate. The dark kind, because I hear that’s the best for your health. I guess I have to worry about that stuff now.

When I was younger, I dreamed of being older. Now that I’m older, I dream of being younger. Kids will do that to you. They’ll change you. Throw in a diagnosis of Down syndrome and you’ll find yourself never wanting to leave this earth. That’s where I find myself, afraid of aging.

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Who is this girl?

I was 30 when I started having kids. My oldest child is about to turn 10. My middle child is 8. Then there is Willow. She is 3 1/2 years old. She’s the one that makes me want to ignore the reality of my upcoming birthday. She’s the one that makes me question what would happen if I left before her…

Right now, the news headlines are scary. Really scary. I have no idea what the future looks like for disabled individuals like my daughter. As a former news journalist I try to stay informed, but I’ve also learned that it’s not healthy for me to get too caught up in the drama of the day as it just causes undo stress. And, if it’s true that stress can take years off your life, I want no part of it. With such uncertainty on the horizon, I want to be certain I’m here for my kids, most especially, Willow.

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While turning off the tube can spare me some stress, I’m unfortunately unable to avoid it in other areas of life. I try, but boy, I swear it’s impossible sometimes.

Over the past several years my family has adopted the motto “Be comfortable with the uncomfortable.” That’s meant a new job for my husband, a new home in a new town, and a bunch of new challenges in life. Overall, we’re comfortable, but when you add unexpected things into the equation like sickness or a dead car, stress pops up. I shudder to think how many years I’ve lost because of worrying about things like a simple sneeze.

Stress isn’t the only thing that ails me. I feel my age. My knees ache, I’m tired all the time, and my husband says I need hearing aides. I don’t know what he’s talking about. Literally. I can’t hear him. Hah hah. Get it?  Ok, I guess my sense of humor is also slipping in my old age.

I have a strong desire to take care of myself, exercise even, but time is my enemy. I guess you could say “self care” isn’t easy for me. I hear that’s common for parents of children with special needs. It’s also the middle of winter and freezing cold where I live, meaning getting outside to walk or jog is near impossible this time of year. Even with desire and time on my side, a twenty below wind chill has me trapped.

The ironic part is that I had a nurse tell me the other day that I have “great health.” According to a recent blood test my numbers all look good, my good cholesterol, my bad cholesterol, my blood sugar, etc. At least I have something going for me! So, why am I so worried about turning 40?

Willow needs me to be young! She needs me to keep moving. She keeps a busy schedule between her therapies and school and various appointments. She needs me there to teach her things. She needs me there to guide her. She needs me to advocate for her until the world recognizes she has a voice of her own.

Not only do I want to stay youthful, I want to stay alive. Plain and simple. As a christian, I’m taught not to fear death, and really, I don’t. I look forward to heaven. But, there are days that am frozen with the thought of what I might be leaving behind. What happens if my husband and I go before Willow? My husband, by the way, is even older than me.

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I’d love to think that Willow will be independent enough to live on her own someday, but I have no idea. I’d love to think that if Willow weren’t able to live on her own that one of her older siblings would take her in, but I have no idea. I’d love if I didn’t have to think about this, but that would mean Willow dying before me…. and… well…. I just can’t….

Good golly, I hate that I’m turning 40.

As much as I try to ignore it, my old age is there. The signs are all around me. Even in the most unexpected places. Ok, maybe the gray hairs aren’t so unexpected. I am raising three kids. But, even my e-mail mocks me. Just this week, I got an invitation to join AARP, an advertisement for a seniors only cell phone service and an offer for 65% off that popular little blue pill. I’ll have you know that I did not respond to any of those offers.

40 is coming whether I like it or not.

So, today I will live. And I will love. Because as I mentioned earlier, kids change you and mine have taught me how to do both of those things. And, Willow? She also taught me how to dance. And how to smile. Everyday, no matter what. Wouldn’t you know, both of those things have proven health benefits and could quite possibly add years to my life.

Willowdance

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One thought on “The Pain of Growing Older

  1. A little way to put this young age in perspective. When I was your age I had a 2 yr old and a newborn. So, you are far from old! Enjoy the view from 40 and know you sill have MANY years in front of you. And, with Willow’s determination she will be very independent by the time you really need to worry.

    So glad that young lady has a mind of her own, even when it isn’t the direction you think it should go. She is going to take you on a journey that will be filled with all kinds of unexpected twists and turns. After all, she is woman, hear her roar!

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