Music has always moved me. All kinds of it. In my younger years, I was at home in the mosh pits and lights of Lollapalooza. Around college, I fell in love with the haunting piano poetry poured out by George Winston. These days, I find myself jumping with Justin Timberlake one minute and twisting to Toby Mac the next. Willow likes a good dance party, after all. But when I’m in the car or by myself, the tuner is tuned to Contemporary Christian. That’s just how we roll. And there’s one song that’s guaranteed to tear me to tears every time it comes across the airwaves….
“Already There” by Casting Crowns.
If you haven’t heard it before, it’s worth a google. The song is basically about trusting God. While we may not understand all of life’s twists, turns and troubles or be able to see the road in front of us, we need to trust that God can, because He’s “already there.” He’s at the end, waiting for us.
Right now, I don’t understand a darn thing that is going on in life. None of it makes sense. I am drowning in stress, despite going on anti-seizure meds (can we say desperate?) my migraines are making a comeback and my stomach feels like it’s in a triple knot. Please, do not take this as an invitation to my pity party. I’m just telling it like it is.
I don’t feel comfortable talking about my troubles, typically. It’s not that I’m trying to hide anything. I just recognize that I’m not the only one with problems in life. In other words, “who am I to complain?” Well, I guess I’m not trying to. I’m just trying to be real. And right now, things are really real.
Willow is all toddler these days. It’s mostly cute, but also challenging. She’s into everything. We joke that the doctors gave us the wrong Ds diagnosis. She doesn’t have Down syndrome. She has Destructive syndrome. She likes to color on furniture and walls. She likes to take her shoes, orthotics, and socks off 25 times a day (you think I’m exaggerating?) and throw them across the room or van or wherever else we are. She likes to eat her hair. Yes, you read right. And, I have a wanderer. This part scares the living daylights out of me. She is always walking off places. A few weeks ago, she even went missing for awhile in preschool. Have I mentioned she recently learned how to open doors?
I don’t know if I’ll ever sleep soundly again.
Willow isn’t the only child keeping me up at night. My two older kids are still struggling to find their place after our big move to a new town last fall. In an effort to protect their tweenage privacy, I’ll just leave it at that.
In the past 3 months, we’ve also lost a car to a blown engine, had our Suburban break down in the middle of nowhere thanks to a faulty fuel pump and had our pull behind trailer break down in the middle of a Fleet Farm parking lot, far from home, just as stores were closing for the weekend. I’m leaving out a lot of details here, but I will say one of these incidents involved my husband running through downtown Fargo at 1am, 20 Amish people and a trip on a Amtrak train. Like I said, I’m leaving out a lot of details.
Back to that Casting Crowns song….
“And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan”
Chaos is a good way of describing my life right now. I think that’s why this song hits me so hard. The idea that this season of life is part of a masterpiece, a perfect picture created by God, brings tears to my eyes.
I know better days are ahead. They always are. These rough seasons always end. And while the hair eating and wandering has me stressing, Willow’s laughter, her personality, her tenacity is what fuels me. It keeps me going. That and this….
“One day I’ll stand before You
And look back on the life I’ve lived
I can’t wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit”
I am exhausted. I am so tired of telling Willow to keep her shoes on or to stop eating her hair. I’m emotionally drained from all the tweenage drama going on this house. I’m physically aching from all the stress of vehicle breakdowns and other things life has thrown at us as of late, but I am clinging to the fact that I am not alone and this is all part of God’s grand design.
“When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
‘Cause You’re already there“
Now, please excuse me. I have to go put Willow’s socks, orthotics and shoes back on.